Discerning Character
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines character as “one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual.” Character traits are attributes that describe or define a person. Actions alone do not define a person. Recurring behavior does. For this reason, discerning character traits and purposeful training is needed to develop character in children.
Both positive and negative traits are observed or witnessed under certain circumstances and are generally consistent under those conditions. However, character can be shaped and developed. Romans 3:23 states, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. This makes it clear that positive character traits are not innate and must be taught. Proverbs 22:6 exhorts parents to “train up a child in the way he should go…”. Instruction requires interaction and modeling as a starting point and an understanding of how positive and negative traits relate to one another.
The Spirit or the Flesh
Children possess God given traits that manifest differently based on whether the Spirit or the flesh is in control. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are listed as the Fruit of the Spirit and traits evidenced by the Christian life (Galatians 5:22-23). The entire chapter of Galatians 5 talks about what it is to walk by the Spirit. Love is evidence of the Spirit at work in our life so it would follow that goodness, kindness, patience, and compassion would flow from a heart of love. The flesh, our sinful nature, displays negative traits (pride, selfishness, greed, envy, dishonesty, etc.). “For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please” (Galatians 5: 17). The good news for believers is that “Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit” (Galatians 5:24-26).
Positive and Misused Traits
Traits such as trust, dependability, diligence and integrity are necessary to succeed in life. Character for many, is a social construct that reveals moral values and purpose. For people of faith, character is defined through Scripture and biblical worldview.
Character traits operating in the Spirit (for the benefit of others) are positive attributes. These same traits when operating in the flesh (for the benefit of self) are misused traits that are viewed as negative. Negative traits refer to shortcomings in behaviors or attitudes that are detrimental to yourself or others and surface as a result of fear, selfishness, or impulse.
Negative traits are often misused positive traits (different from traits opposite of positive traits). A stubborn child may become a determined, steadfast adult. A child who takes up an offense for others learns to show compassion without holding a grudge against someone. Bluntness or harshness may hint of honesty, but truth operating with love demonstrates the work of the Spirit. Understanding how positive and negative traits function when a child is walking in the Spirit versus the flesh, is important for developing children with character.
The following list of common positive character traits and misused (negative) traits will help parents better understand that a negative trait can operate as a positive trait and vice versa. Be encouraged by the truth that developing character is a process. There is hope for the strong willed, aggressive, inflexible child. God is at work.
Positive Traits Misused Negative Traits
- Compassionate- Kind, sensitive taking up offense for others, gullible
- Confident- Sure of oneself arrogant, conceited, pompous
- Courageous-Bold reckless, impulsive
- Dependable- Responsible, reliable over-commits, fear of disappointing
- Determined- Committed, persistent, steadfast stubborn, hardheaded, intolerant
- Diligent- Hardworking, industrious selective work ethic, hyper focused
- Disciplined- Follows rules rigid, inflexible
- Discernment- Sound judgment critical, judgmental
- Discreet- Cautious secretive, reticent, timid
- Enthusiastic- Cheerfully eager overpowering, overwhelming
- Faithful- Loyal blind obedience, possessive
- Forgiving- Merciful permissive, lenient
- Generous- Kind spend-thrift, impulsive
- Honest- Truthful blunt, harsh
- Humble- Modest self-abasement, lack of confidence
- Initiative- Enterprising over-steps, usurping authority
- Integrity- Honorable, trustworthy seeks approval, pride in self
- Obedient- Compliant, respectful people pleaser, approval seeking
- Patient- Tolerant and understanding passive, indifferent
- Persuasive- Convincing sarcastic, aggressive
- Prudent- Wise impulsive
- Resolute- Purposeful stubborn, aimless, frivolous
- Selfless- Unselfish, thoughtful, compassionate self-abasement
- Self-controlled- Disciplined pride, fear of man
- Trustworthy- Dependable deceitful, cunning
- Wise- Prudent and insightful over-confident, bossy
2 Peter 1:5-11
“Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you.”
Character is developed over time with consistent training. Parents play the most crucial role in character development, but teachers, coaches, friends, extended family, books and media also influence character. For this reason, it is important to have good role models and individuals, who support the training done in the home and who will take the time to address the heart of issues exposed by negative behavior.
Discerning positive and negative character will help parents be purposeful in character training.